Ring of Fire, Circle of Life?

I am in Taiwan, the rain is falling, the dogs are wandering, and the motorcycles are whizzing by. I, too, will be on one in a few moments on my way to the best chinese noodles I have ever eaten. Taking it easy here, just visiting friends and playing real life Mariokart everyday. Yesterday I found that sweet nectar in the green can, all the way from America, Mountain Dew. I don't even want to say how much I paid for the pleasure of drinking it. Ok, about $1.50. Ugh! But all the cheap things here make up for it. Like the noodles I am about to eat. And bowling. And motorcycle rental. And the kung fu massage I plan to get tonight, where after 60 - 90 minutes they will put fire jars on my back, producing huge hickeys that will last a week. Mmmm... fire jars....

By the way I had a dream last night that I was pursuing a very large snake around the house I grew up in. It was a little scary at first, but after a while it appeared we had reached something of an impasse. So I had to speak Chinese with the snake, it's children (which I had earlier been trying trick it into eating), and some cats, in order to negotiate a final settlement that was agreeable to all. In the end we were all friends, but I just kept thinking I needed to study Chinese more.

Even This Title is Tired

Just got home. It's almost midnight. Need sleep.

I have been in Oita, the town I taught in for a year when I first came to Japan. It was good, overall, though I didn't go to any onsen (hot springs) and I didn't get to see some of the people I was hoping to. But I had a great time with the people I did meet, and I definitely made good use of my time in that I didn't waste much of it sleeping.

And it was fun being awakened by an earthquake on Sunday morning.

Apologies for a post-free week. I was travelling and I didn't even check my email. I did send a new picture while I was fishing though.... Anyway, leaving for Taiwan on Sunday for a week. Don't know for sure but I think I will spend a little time online while I am there.

Right now I must rest for I am weary.

Who dares disturb my slumber?!

The phone rings, waking me from what had been a very lovely, and much needed, nap. The caller ID reads: "Mike," rather than merely the number, so this is someone I apparently know who is calling me. Immediately I am thinking, "Mike... Mike... Mike?" and taking my time to answer the phone as I try to gather my thoughts and wake up. I make no progress, but I don't want to miss the call, so I pick up.

"Hello?"

       "Hello, Tony, this is Mike."

(Internal response: Thanks for the useless information--how about a new hint?) "Yeah, hey, how's it going?"

       "Well, OK, how are you? Listen I am here at the hospital with Jen and I thought now would be a good time for you two to talk. Are you busy right now?"

"Uh...." (I still have no idea to whom I am speaking, nor do I have a clue who Jen is, but I am starting to feel really awkward and guilty for not making any connections.) "No, I'm not busy... I just woke up, so... I am trying to get my head together...."

       "Oh, OK, well, do you want me to call you back later?"

Knowing that I am not likely to remember anything more if I hang up, and also realizing that the "I just woke up" excuse is an asset I won't have next time, I decide to buy a little more time before talking to this 'Jen' person. "Um... well, I don't know. Why are you at the hospital?"

       "Oh, wow, sorry. I've called the wrong Tony."

"Oh man, I was so confused. Wow. Well, good luck at the hospital. Talk to you later. Maybe...."

       "Yeah, right, later."

I still have not figured out who Mike is, but I plan to do some investigating. It is a bad combination to be hyper-social and really bad with names. I have 500 or so of them saved in my phone, and there are plenty which are a mystery to me. Mystery Mike is but one example. Common names, like 'Mike' and 'Tony', to name two, can add more confusion, as happened in this case. I think that if ever have kids I will give them strange names so that they never encounter this problem. Any suggestions?

In any case, it is a relief to know that I don't have anything to do with Jen being in the hospital. What a way to wake up....

If you don't have anything nice to say....

Today various parts of my town seem to smell like cat food. And I don't know why.

I have all but discharged my White Day giving responsibilities. I had a nice chat with one of the girls working in the candy section at the supermarket today. I told her that I had wanted to make cookies or something to give away but didn't feel like it today, and probably wouldn't tomorrow either. So after taking far too long I settled on my decision and made my purchase. She was very helpful. Then, as I was leaving, she said she would be waiting for me to bring her some homemade cookies. She may be waiting a while.

At my weekly Japanese lesson I learned some interesting new things. The first is the following phrase: お口汚しですけど....(Okuchi yogoshi desu kedo....) which is an expression of extreme modesty sometimes used when presenting someone with a gift of food or drink. It means, literally, "Although this will make your mouth dirty...." Isn't that great? I found it especially fun to say when giving a bag of candy to one of my student's mothers at her place of work. Why? She is a dental assistant, and the dentist is her husband. How fitting.

Two other terms I learned that are of cultural interest came up as my sensei and I were discussing how Japanese men, when asked, will generally say their wives are "nothing special," or worse, while American husbands are almost expected to brag about their wives (whether they be boastworthy or not). If an American said, "My wife is not very good looking, and she can't cook very well, but I have gotten used to her," for instance, that could well be grounds for divorce. The Japanese man is trying to be modest, and to speak highly of his wife would be to lift himself up as well. The American man is trying to honor his wife by speaking well of her, and this kind of praise is not only acceptable but encouraged. Similar motivations leading to very different results. While arrogance is unwelcome in both cultures, pride in one's family is an exception in the U.S. Consider the popularity of the "My Kid is an Honor Student" bumper stickers.

In contrast, we come now to the two terms I mentioned before, which are used by a man when introducing his wife and son for the first time: 愚妻 (gusai) for wife,　愚息 (gusoku) for son. The second character in each word means simply 'wife' or 'son' respectively. But the first character, which both words share, makes the word　愚か (oroka), which is defined: "foolish; silly; stupid; dull-witted; idiotic."

"Nice to meet you. This is my foolish and stupid wife, and I'd also like you to meet my dull-witted, idiotic son."

This way of humbling oneself to the point of insulting one's own family is really a matter of course, and the people exchanging greetings don't analyze everything they are saying the way I am trying to do now. In most cases, I am pretty sure, the husband doesn't really think his wife and son are dolts. Of course there are surely exceptions. It is interesting, also, to note that there is apparently no such term or custom with regard to daughters--which means women are only called stupid in this way if they get married. No wonder the population is shrinking!

I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum

Last night I saw two businessmen in their 60's outside an amusement center playing a taiko (drums) video game. I took their picture 3 or 4 times when there were gaps in foot traffic long enough to allow a clear shot. Unfortunately, however, I was never able to get a photo that was not blurry. I just bought this cell phone because it has a built-in TV and it was only $70. But I may have to look into replacing it with one that has a better camera and an MP3 player. It is good to be alive in the 21st century.

I am eating a chocolate gorilla that I received from my friend, the dog lady, for Valentine's Day. So it is true they eat primates in Asia. Tasty, too. But also a bittersweet reminder that I have obligations to fulfill. Tomorrow is White Day, and that means I owe a lot of ladies (my students, mostly) chocolate. I think I will make brownies. Yes, I am a happy little homemaker. I will even be barefoot in the kitchen. It is Japanese custom to take your shoes off upon entering, and far be it from me to violate that. Especially when it is in my apartment contract that I will, in fact, leave my footwear at the entrance--even though all the flooring will be replaced when I leave anyway.

And speaking of my apartment and Japanese custom, I just got new neighbors downstairs. They have been there for about two weeks now. The last family only lasted a year. I was a bit sorry to see them go. Their baby cried all the time, which was good because it meant they would need to be more tolerant of the noise I make. And they were. (The only time they ever complained was a picture of diplomacy: I was playing a taiko game myself, alone, in my living room (Nintendo no friendo?), when the phone rang. It was my landlord, who lives next door, saying that the downstairs neighbors had called. They were apparently worried about me because they had heard a noise and they wanted to make sure I was OK! Very smooth. I should have gotten to know them better--they may go far in government. I hope that the drumming and strumming didn't drive them away in the end!) Also, they were always nice when I met them and they gave me some nice towels when they moved in. It is common practice in Japan to introduce yourself and present a gift to the other nearby residents in your building right after you move in. I have done it twice now. I have not received anything, however, from these new occupants. I believe it is a young married couple. Clearly they lack respect for our ways. This is just one of many signs of the decline of Japanese society. Where is this country going!? I want my present! What do I really want? Twenty boxes of chocolates, gift-wrapped. ASAP.

The Fast and the Furious

Yesterday morning I was riding my trusty bicycle to work, going very fast as usual. I was keeping to the very edge of the road, minding my own business, when something rather disconcerting happened. Two young men in a speeding Mr. Bean 2000 came up behind me, horn honking continuously as they passed. The Bean mobile missed me by inches and then swerved to avoid a collision with an oncoming vehicle. Through this maneuver the driver saved perhaps five seconds. It was inconsiderate and disrespectful at best; asinine and reckless at worst. And downright annoying no matter how you look at it.

I should also point out that this took place about twenty meters away from a police box, a sort of neighborhood office for one or two patrolmen. Said patrolmen did nothing. I guess they did not notice the horn and the screeching tires right outside their window.

I pedalled on, thinking of how I could best respond to the situation and hating the fact that I was helpless. I was mentally telling myself to relax and not allow the stupidity of others to get to me. It was just a few minutes later, after I had more or less 'moved on' in my mind, that I saw the same duo in that very same white Mini Cooper pull up to a stop signal on the street parallel to me. I thought it would be nice to see them again, so I went for a little visit. I rode my bicycle in front of the car, stopped long enough to very conspicuously note the license plate number(9 27), gave a big smile and rode away, leaving the boys at the light.

Whether or not this actually produced the desired psychological effects (regret, fear, and paranoia) I will probably never know. But I felt good about it because I had done something. I didn't let the meanies in their hot rod machine get the last word. I stood up to the bullies in the Bean mobile. Maybe I am letting the testosterone get the best of me, but I felt like I won a battle against pretty tough odds. The driver of that car does not know who I am, and he does not know who I know or what I am capable of. Maybe I am friends with the police, or the Yakuza, or maybe I just like peeing in gas tanks. He simply does not know. But I know his license plate number. And he knows I know his license plate number.

Someday, when he least expects it, I plan to do absolutely nothing. It is enough for me to know that he might be a little concerned about it, and maybe he will think twice the next time he is tempted to show utter disregard for everyone else on the road. Punk.

M husband and wife: Though thank you!

Vis-a-vis the 款 待 of the other day, it is late and the せ it says your brief note gratitude. To be enormous it was cute day. Golf became the study may be pleasant! The rear noon boiled rice and dinner were the ち so! The sukiyaki was tasty truly, (second time)! However the beer it is not drunk yet, the ぜ っ you want, you drink, slow. Also various conversations were funny, is. It enjoys following that it meets! Thank you!

(Sorry, I simply never tire of the Google translator. Credit/blame goes to Gomeiyage for introducing it.)

M 夫妻：どもありがとうございました！

先日のご款待に対して、後ればせながら一筆お礼を申しあげます。凄くすてきな日でした。ゴルフは楽しくていい勉強になりました！あと昼ご飯も夕食もごちそうさまでした！すき焼きは本当に美味しかった（二回目も）！ビールまだ飲んでないけどぜったい飲みますよ、ゆっくりと。色々な会話も面白かったです。次の会うのを楽しみにしています！ありがとう！

The Mannequin's New Clothes

The Mannequin's New Clothes, originally uploaded by Hack Rambler.

I took this photo some months ago with my mobile phone, hence the size. I live in an area known around Japan for being wealthy, and generally that is reflected in the shops one sees. I rarely enter most of these places, but I do take note now and again of what is on display. Especially when it is a pantsless, and pantsless, mannequin in one of the more expensive shops.

(Some American readers may not understand this last comment, so allow me to clarify: It seems Americans are the only people in the world who call trousers "pants". To everyone else, including the Japanese, "pants" means "underwear", or more specifically in this case, "panties". So you can imagine the giggles I get in the children's classes when I am teaching a lesson about clothes. A similar phenomenon happens in China when you teach the word "gun". I don't know why I told you that. Don't go around saying "gun!" in China.)

If in fact a store worker had been in the process of changing the outfit, that would have been quite understandable. But there was no one near the mannequin, and because I was so perplexed by this I checked again later. Still no pants and no people. I don't know how long the mannequin remained exposed, but it was a good hour or so, at least. Not what one would expect from the usually elegant and high-priced shops in this area. But if I was so quick to take notice, perhaps many others were as well. Maybe it was done on purpose to draw attention? Somewhat difficult for me to imagine, but then again, the store front now has it's picture on the internet. Hurray for free advertising!

By the way, when I showed this to my friends here, they had two responses:
1) Surprise at the apparent negligence of the shop staff, and 2) Suspicion--"What kind of person would take this picture?" What say you?

Wild Oats and Fig Leaves

Today my voice sounds funky. I think it is due to a combination of a cold, a touch of hayfever, and the next paragraph.

I worked harder at playing last weekend than I usually do. Much harder. Nothing particularly shameful, except how little sleep I got, but nonetheless I don't feel like going into details. Mostly I was just out too late too much. But now and then I need to test myself to see if I am still young. I am here to say that I passed the test with flying colors. If you really must know more, you can email me and I will consider divulging. But surely you have better things to do, no?

Sunday I was invited to a golf driving range in the afternoon. The price was, I believe, about $15 for use of one tee platform, and then 12 cents per ball. Is it just me, or is that a bit spendy? Anyway, it was good fun. By the end of over two hours I had clearly improved, but that is really not saying much at all. I love golf, actually, but I have never been in Japan. I am hoping to remedy that soon. Perhaps I will go to a course in Taiwan at the end of this month.

Taiwan, right. I am hoping to spend an April Fool's vacation there, if all goes according to plan (and it sometimes actually does). Good friends from nine months of teaching, good food (including the absolute best BBQ chicken I have ever had anywhere in my entire life), cheap bowling (free shoe rental (not that they have my size) and about 75 cents a game), golf(?), DVDs (even the non-pirated ones), and a chance to brush up on my Chinese. Beyond that, KTV (karaoke), MTV (rooms where you watch movies with friends, open 24 hours; I once found an American $100 bill in one of these!), probably more good food and a lot of time spent riding around in warmer weather on motorcycles. These are a few of my favorite things. I'll try to take some pictures or something.

Ashes to Asses

This morning I was attempting to teach one of my favorite adult classes how to give warnings in various situations. For our last practical exercise, I pretended to be inattentively driving a car, so that with each new distraction (tuning the radio, adjusting the seat, putting on make-up, etc.) a student could take a turn and practice saying things like, "Hey, watch out!" or, "Yo! Keep your eyes on the road!" They did a pretty good job. When I came to the youngest in the class (she is around 20), whose English is very good, I dropped an imaginary lit cigarette between my legs and began frantically searching for it. I was of course paying no heed to the task of controlling the invisible car. My student looked at me for a moment and her face changed to a look of relief when she realized what she should say. Acting as concerned as one might be in such a situation, she exclaimed quite convincingly, "Watch out! Your bottom is burning!"

Going Postal

Nice to be occasionally and forcefully reminded that, despite three and a half years in Asia, including two and a half in Japan, I am still culturally inept.

I just spent an hour going through the process of sending money to the United States. I have yet to complete my mission, but I did get the money order and an explanation from two post offices that envelopes must first be obtained at a convenience or stationery store if I am to send anything. Something to the tune of, "Of course we don't have any envelopes. This is the POST OFFICE." Silly me--what on earth was I thinking? Reminds me of how, when in Rome, bus and train tickets were usually not sold at the stations, but at tobacco shops. Right, I should have known that. I can only hope that someday I will learn to stop making such ridiculous assumptions.

3 a.m. Nocturnal

L'homme absurde este celui qui ne change jamais. -George Clemenceau, Discours de Guerre

The absurd man is he who never changes.

Look what I got!

Look what I got!, originally uploaded by Hack Rambler.

"He's everyones favorite action hero... but he's a hero with a difference. Angus Macgyver (Richard Dean Anderson) is a secret agent whose wits are his deadliest weapon. Armed with only a knapsack filled with everyday items he picks up along the way, he improvises his way out of every peril the bad guys throw at him.

Making a bomb out of chewing gum? Fixing a speeding car's brakes... while he's riding in it? Using soda pop to cook up tear gas? That's all in a day's adventures for Macgyver. He's part Boy Scout, part genius. And all hero."

Where's Waldo?

Where's Waldo?, originally uploaded by Hack Rambler.

Can you spot me in this picture? This was taken in Hanzhou, China (late November 2004) during morning exercises, after which we took a long walk and were occasionally followed by TV cameras. I don't think I saw any other westerners the entire time. At one point a complete stranger stopped me to ask to have his picture taken with me. I of course happily obliged, and suggested we do a little dance, a la The Rockettes. I had to teach him, but in the end he got a lovely photo, I am sure.

Many of these people had never seen a white person up close before, and certainly not an American. I am looking forward to seeing other areas of mainland China as each region is quite distinct from the next.

And if there is any kind of rule about the content of my posts being in some sort of chronological order, I intend to break it a lot. Too many stories and photos from before I started this whole thing. Besides, they come in handy when I can't think of anything else to talk about.

Pre-Puke Stereo Snoring

Pre-puke stereo snoring, originally uploaded by Hack Rambler.

This is a graphic accompaniment to the last post, "People, Places, Things & Ideas." Unfortunately I did not have the presence of mind to get a shot of the main event.