Everybody Dance Now!

Tonight as I was walking home I noticed that I could read the names of more than half of the Japanese families living in my neighborhood. I was very encouraged by this and I started keeping stats of my hit and miss ratio. This was good, too, because it took my mind off the fact that I really needed a toilet. Unfortunately, as often happens in my little world, my mind was drawn too far astray and as a result so was I. I walked past my street and by the time I realized it, turned around and got the key in the door, I was dancing. Not because I wanted to dance, but because it was necessary to maintain some semblance of sphincter control. Got a little carried away patting myself on the back and almost had to find a dark corner. But fortunately there was a happy ending this time. Perhaps I should hedge my bets and make a note of potential emergency stops en route to my apartment should this ever happen again.... I was never a Boy Scout but I am a fan of the motto, "Be prepared." I think that is the reason why I always have twice as much baggage as I need when I travel. That is until Rome.... Not again. Here I am blabbing on when I should be correcting homework, doing lesson plans, and writing a speech in Japanese. Yeah, the nature of the beast....

A tangent to the already tangential: While whiling the night away in Nagoya last weekend at a karaoke bar, I sang the song that begins with the phrase atop this post. Oh, and I was good too. Well, all things considered. You CAN name that tune, right? "The music is my life!"

The Birds

The garbage truck comes on Monday and Thursday mornings. I like to sleep in on Mondays, so I usually put my garbage out at around 2 in the morning before I go to bed. Last Thursday I received a phone call at 8:30 a.m. from my landlord informing me that some rascally crows had gotten into my garbage. Apparently the sauce I used to marinade the steak I mentioned in an earlier post was of interest to them.

It is a bit embarrassing to see your landlord picking through your garbage with plastic gloves on. Okay, more than a bit. But I had been very careful to cover the trash bags with the net which is intended to prevent scavenging creatures like those bloody crows from having a garbage party. Apparently the scent of my secret sauce was so enticing that the sly black birds went to extra lengths to get to it.

So today, even though it is really my only day to sleep in a little bit during the week, I set my alarm early. Why? So I could take my garbage out just before the truck comes, minimizing and chance of another trash disaster.

Needless to say I am not a fan of our local neighborhood crows' union. Yes, they are smart, they are resourceful, they are tough, and they even know a good sauce when they smell it, but these things only make them more of a nuisance. I wonder what kind of substance I could put in my steak sauce to condition them to stay away? Something that would make them regret ever tasting my trash. After all, if crows are so smart, they must be teachable, right? Like Pavlov's dog....

Ex-Lax? No, that is definitely not a good idea. Sleeping pills? Tums? Hmm...

Treasure Hunting

Why is it that, almost invariably, whenever I set something aside so that I will be "sure to find it" when I need it later, I can't find it when I need it later?

Doing My Part to Keep the Peace

This weekend I didn't do anything exciting. I was a happy homebody. I am not sure, but it may have something to do with the way last weekend went. Or at least Saturday night.

As I was leaving one establishment at closing time, a young man that I had just met that evening was disgruntled because some people (the staff) were being allowed to stay. He spoke of how he intended to voice his consternation through an act of strategic urination, the victim to be: an innocent plant. I convinced him, eventually, that he should refrain and ask politely if he might be allowed back inside only to use the restroom. His demeanor was such that I actually told him to be quiet and let me ask. I know the manager of the place, so if it were just me I am confident I could have happily relieved myself in the appropriate receptacle. Due to prior incidents and verbal exchanges, however, the young man in question was categorically denied reentry. I then found myself talking him out of starting a fight with, well, pretty much anyone who would be willing. More than one person was willing. He was being quite belligerent. Somehow I managed to get him back as far as the plant. I was wondering whether he would revert to plan A, but he seemed to forget all about nature's call when he saw a group of 5 or 6 guys standing around. They all happened to be colored, as he was, and this in his mind meant that they would agree with him about his situation, regardless of the fact that he was talking nonsense. They did not sympathize, but tolerated his ranting until he moved on.

I later met up with one of the gentlemen from that same group, and another young man who was somewhat vertically challenged and had only been in Japan for a few weeks. We were talking and walking, recounting some of the night's events. At one point we passed a Japanese couple. Apparently our number three guy had inadvertently brushed against the young lady. She decided to make an issue out of it, so her Japanese boyfriend started yelling at the three of us in Japanese. Two of us could understand; but the person in question could not. He simply apologized repeatedly, though he knew he had done nothing wrong. I finally started translating everything back and forth, while simultaneously giving advice about what to say to the young and confused foreigner. At this point the apparently irate Japanese boyfriend admitted that he had no idea whether anything had happened or not, but that the girl had said she was touched and that was unacceptable. I said it was certainly unintentional and apologized humbly on behalf of the young man in question (though in my mind I was saying something else altogether). This was not enough, apparently. We were at a loss as to what else we were expected to do, since we had already apologized profusely for something that had not even happened, essentially. Once again I apologized and explained that the young man could not speak Japanese but that he was genuinely sorry for the misunderstanding and meant no offense. Then the boyfriend came up with a new way to try to show his girlfriend what a great catch he was. (This entire episode, after all, was obviously her attempt to test and manipulate him, and his attempt to earn her affections by defending her 'honor'.) He said, in Japanese, "I can understand English perfectly, so that's not a problem." My friend and I translated this and, appearing a bit relieved, the accused apologized and tried to explain himself in very simple English. The boyfriend had absolutely no idea what he was saying except for "I'm sorry", but feigned comprehension. He was showing no sign of letting up, and the girlfriend was doing her best to act angry (pretty convincing, actually). He then called some names and made some more belittling and slightly racist statements. Then he asked, "Are you drunk?" in Japanese. I don't know why, but our little friend understood this Japanese and began to say no. I stopped him immediately and said, "Yes, he is VERY drunk. He had way too much to drink. He is a weak drinker and he can't even walk straight and we were just making sure he got home O.K." or something to that effect. I told him with my eyes to play along. He did. The boyfriend immediately turned, said something under his breath and walked away. We did the same.

Analysis: The boyfriend wanted to prove himself to his(?) girl. She wanted to test him and also see how much control she could exert over him. He did not want to fight, but he had to appear that he was willing to fight for her if necessary. There were three of us. It would have been a lost cause. He knew this and so did we. But, because of our experience in Japan, and because it is almost never worth it to get into physical confrontation if it can be avoided, we took the path that allowed the boyfriend to save face. By saying our friend was extremely drunk, we gave the boyfriend the opportunity to get in the last word but also to walk away, since a drunk man in Japan is not considered completely accountable for his actions. I don't know if the girlfriend was satisfied, and I don't care.

For the following thirty minutes we tried to explain what had just happened to our friend. Of course he was bewildered and angry, and for a while was becoming increasingly so. I can't say that I blame him too much. It was nothing personal but it would upset anyone. He was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Dare I say, though, that on this night he was with the right people? I would like to think so.

This was one example of my cultural understanding being enough to prove helpful in a difficult situation. Stay tuned for a rather frustrating anecdote about how being misunderstood created a very difficult and in fact, irredeemable, situation where one did not before exist. Some people!!!

Expo Exposed

Today I am enjoying a rare Saturday off. So what will I do, besides this? Laundry, dishes, and deskwork. But at least I can do it at a leisurely pace. It is conceivable that at some point I will get crazy and go to the supermarket....

Recently I went to the world expo in Aichi, Japan, near the city of Nagoya. The venue as a whole was beautiful, especially at night. But some of the main attractions were so ridiculous that I found it hard to believe. They weren't at all entertaining per se, but their very ridiculousness was. Two examples. First I stood in line for 35 minutes to experience "Wonder Circus", which turned out to be a children's ride with cheap props and scenes to look at on the way. Unless you had a small child with you who might actually be able to enjoy it, it was absolutely horrible. And most people did not have children along. Two redeeming features: 1) Your picture was taken and then later displayed as your cart passed in front of a viewing screen. That appealed to the narcissist in me. 2) The carts (think very slow indoor roller coaster) could each turn on the track so that sometimes your cart was facing backwards or to the right or left. But beyond that, it was amazing that it could be so boring. On weekends people wait for well over an hour to experience this "wonder", which lasts maybe five minutes.

The second example is a 3D theater feature sponsored by JR Railways. They gave me glasses as I walked in and the whole bit. But then we were forced to stand, hundreds of people very close together, viewing a story about the history of rail travel, without our glasses. This took ten to fifteen minutes. Not so much to ask, except that people had already been waiting in line for some time, and were not expecting to stand that much longer again. My feet were sore and I was getting annoyed. It was hard to keep from bumping into the other people or stepping on their feet. And I am a little taller than most people in Japan, so I was concerned that I was blocking the views of those behind me. Having said that, though, the film was at least interesting and educational. It was in Japanese with English subtitles so no language problem. Next, we were finally escorted into an actual theater with actual seats. It felt so good to sit down. We put on our 3D glasses, which we had been carrying around for 20 minutes, and the show began. The 3D effect was hardly used. The entire show, 12 minutes long, consisted of shots of the experimental mag-lev train moving down the track from various angles. Then occasionally we would see Japanese men in a control room contgratulating themselves. That is all. Over and over, different angles and different expressions of congratulation for twelve minutes. I entered the theater interested, but after only one minute I was looking at my watch to see how much longer I would have to endure this. This attraction sometimes has people waiting in line for up to two hours.

Did I mention there is a $50 admission fee? Also getting to the place is a hassle. Once you arrive at Nagoya station, you ride a relatively slow, 40-minute shuttle train to a station where you then board another train to take you to your destination. You get a nice opportunity to see some Aichi countryside.

But it wasn't all bad. Many different countries had buildings where they exhibited their customs, fashions, history, etc. Mexico's was pretty cool. These usually had no lines and were really interesting. Cuba's consisted of a bar and some movie screens. But some countries had very elaborate setups, with people weaving, examples of collapsible homes, fabrics, interactive video, and so on. I found the U.S. section a bit disappointing. It was a tribute to Ben Franklin. First we were ushered into a big room with nothing in it, really, except a big statue of Big Ben in the center, and a video screen at the corner. On it we watched a five-minute film about his life. Next we were ushered into a theater where an actor, who was apparently told that Ben Franklin was a big dork, played Franklin as a time traveller who had come to talk to us in 2005 about the wonders of scientific advancement over the last couple centuries. It was pretty dang cheesy. It was cool when he connected to power cords and our seats vibrated--felt good after standing in line and walking so much that day. Another sort of rude but memorable feature was the fact that at one point in the film, when it rained on the screen, it rained in the room! My translator headset got all wet, along with my clothes. I think most people liked it, probably because so many other parts of the day had been so, well, dry.

But I am glad I went. There were many amazing examples of how that utter lack of creativity can still be rewarded with the right marketing. Actually one of my favorite parts of the entire park was essentially a big walk-in freezer with some stuffed animals, erected to show what the temperature is like where they live. It was very refreshing after walking in sun, which actually wasn't even that hot on that particular day. When I walked out of the place, the sweat on my shirt had begun to freeze. It was almost titillating. Other honorable mentions--the Turkish food, the Mexican food, and the ropeway.

Overall, a nice place to spend a day with a date or your kids. If I had it to do over again, I would start by touring all the international pavilions, have a leisurely lunch and watch a concert on the big stage, and then use my remaining time to try a couple of the main attractions besides the JR or Wonder Circus buildings. Is it possible that I chose the two absolute worst of the lot? Yes, very possible.

Actually the day became much more interesting when, because of LONG lines of people trying to get home, I missed my last train and ended up spending the night at a karaoke bar meeting some locals and learning off-color Japanese. It was my first time in Nagoya, but the people were hospitable and fun. Perhaps I will visit again.

Mac is Back

So I do have an excuse for not posting in almost two weeks. Ignorance. My computer froze when I tried to install new software. Finally I was able to get it running again after doing something incredibly (and annoyingly) simple. Cheers to Will Farnham for enlightening me.

Beginning a week off from the language institute, but still have to teach high school and university classes, so no travelling this time. As I write this I am cooking a steak. Mmmm smells good. Must monitor progress....

Charlie the Smoking Monkey

Click on the title to see the monkey do what the monkey saw. But don't do what you see the monkey do just because you see the monkey doing it.

I wonder what brand he likes?

Quote of the Day

I teach two days a week at a university. I asked them to write about their life goals, and here is what one of the students wrote, unedited and authentic:

"I love money, also I like sea.
So sailer is the best work for me."

By the way, I did not stipulate that they should attempt to rhyme.

One Man's Junk? One Man: Punk!

One Man's Junk? One Man: Punk!, originally uploaded by Hack Rambler.

So I was at an Irish pub on Saturday night, and my friend and I were
talking to a girl who was carrying around a(n) ukulele in a black
case. She said she had been taking lessons for about 3 months. This
reminded me that I recently acquired one as well. A good friend
brought one back from Hawaii for me. And I have been neglecting it. So
I have begun practicing a bit the last couple days. It is coming
back.

I say coming back because I had a(n) ukulele once before, when I was
still in college. I found it broken and abandoned in a dormitory trash
can and glued it back together myself with tender loving care.
Amazingly it stayed in tune and looked as good as new, so I learned to
play it over the next few weeks.

One night I was playing it with some friends who had guitars and a
friend came up and said, "Hey, it's my ukulele!"

To which I replied, "Uh, I found it broken in a garbage can."

He grimaced and said, "Oh, yeah, but I see it 's not broken now!"

"Right. I fixed it."

"Wow, how did you do that?"

"With super glue. It's super."

"I see. Yeah, my mom gave me that ukulele. I was really sad when I
broke it. Thank you for fixing it!"

"Uh...."

"I am so glad I don't have to tell her that I broke it and had to
throw it away."

"Uh...."

"So can I have it back?"

"Uh... yeah. Here."

And that was the end of the ukulele. I didn't see the point in
putting up a fight. And besides, I figured he could 'owe me one', so
to speak. Well, he did bless me before we graduated. He found my brand
new Birkenstocks in a house he shared with some of our mutual friends.
Since he did not immediately know to whom they belonged, he assumed it
would be O.K. for him to wear them. And wear them he did. Often. His
big, sweaty, Alaskan feet made an indelible impression on the soles
of the sandals that become more comfortable as you wear them, since
they shape to fit your foot specifically. The odor was indelible, too.
When I accidentally discovered he had obscounded with them about 6
months later, he graciously offered to give them back. How kind. I
declined.

Now he has a Ph.D. I wonder if he still has the ukulele and the
sandals? I have only bitter memories of two new treasures soon lost.
Come to think of it I think he got his Ph.D. in economics. Makes
sense. He definitely got the better end of that deal.

You Know Who You Are!

The rivalry continues....

The other night I dreamed that I and a friend were at a used bookstore and we both wanted the same item, of which there was only one. We grasped it at the same time and were soon engaged in an all-out wrestling match. In the end I won, but I think he let me. The funny thing about this dream is that it is not strange. There is one person with whom such an event is conceivable. And though we have never had physical confrontation, I can think of at least three similar incidents. We have something of an ongoing rivalry. But now I live in Japan and he in America, so our opportunities to meet in battle are limited. The dream battle was the most intense yet, but I could not understand why he wanted the item in question. What was it? you ask. A set of flash cards for teaching children English. This is something I could actually use, being a teacher, but he, as far as I can see, has no use for it. Unless there is a new English learner on the way. A bun in the oven?

Or maybe he just likes fighting with me? ;)