The NHK Man

The NHK Man, originally uploaded by Hack Rambler.

This morning my doorbell rang at about 9 a.m. Not particularly early, I suppose, except that I had trouble sleeping last night and had no intention of getting up before noon. I wasn't feeling that tired, though, so I actually considered answering the door. In the end I just stayed in bed and remained very quiet until whoever it was went away. As a matter of fact, this is my usual response to morning and afternoon callers. Come to think of it, I pretty much don't answer the door unless I know who it is. This is because in my experience in Japan, the person on the other side is usually: 1)(very rare) Someone with a package (in which case I can call and have it delivered later, when I know to expect it); 2) (unfortunately not so rare) Some kind of solicitor (all in Japanese, which makes it even more fun); 3) Jehovah's Witnesses; or 4) (more than once a month, I am pretty sure) The NHK Man.

In Japan, NHK is a public broadcasting network that is funded by the government and money collected from viewers. In order to collect this money, they go door to door. It goes something like this (except in Japanese):

Ding Dong.

"Yes."

"Hello, I am from NHK."

"Oh hello. Whatever it is, I am not interested. Thank you."

"Oh I see. Excuse me, but I am from NHK."

"Yes, you said that. I don't watch NHK. Have a nice day."

"But I am from NHK. You have a TV, right?"

"Uh... yeah."

"Then by Japanese law you are required to pay for NHK broadcasting services. Let's see, that will be, $20."

"I don't watch NHK. I watch DVDs and CNN. Thanks anyway."

"I see. But Japanese law...."

"Sorry, my Japanese still isn't very good, so I will have to talk to someone about it. Have a nice day."

"Oh, I see. I happen to have this pamphlet in ENGLISH that explains that by Japanese law you are required to pay for NHK broadcasting services."

"Oh, thank you. I will be sure to read it. I am a bit busy now. Thank you for your time."

"You are busy? Oh, I am very sorry to bother you. I will come back again soon. How about tomorrow afternoon?"

"Uh...."

"2:30?"

"I will probably be home then."

"OK. Thank you very much."

These people are rather persistent. It is almost impossible to have a short conversation with them. And they are very good at making you feel guilty about not paying, even if you detest the system. Japanese people I talk to say that it is actually NOT required by law to pay the NHK man, and that the reason the NHK man is so hard to get rid of is that he gets paid more if you pay. So I have had a few conversations with the NHK man, various salespeople, and Jehovah's Witnesses. (I even told them in Japanese how my theology was fundamentally incompatible with theirs and that they should think about that. The next day an English-speaking Jehovah's Witness came. I told him too.) My conclusion is that I would just as soon not bother answering the door. So I don't, usually.

It also helps that there is a video camera above my door that allows me to see who is ringing the doorbell. It is pretty pathetic how I try to be completely still and quiet so they will go away, but I try to think of it as kind of a game. Once the NHK man came and was for some reason convinced that I was home, and simply would not go away. He rang the doorbell for, seriously, at least three minutes. He knocked on the door. He waited. He rang the doorbell again. I was in the other room, being silent, waiting for him to go away. I heard nothing, but still I waited. Then the mail slot opened, but did not close. I took a peak from a corner where I could see without being seen. The NHK man was looking into my apartment through the mail slot. What did he think he would gain by this? So what if he 'caught' me not answering the doorbell? Is there a law that I have to answer the door? And even if there were, what was HE going to do about it? And if I did finally answer the door after all this, did he think I would want to give him money? Who ARE these people?

What if I had suddenly opened the door and yelled at him and threatened to call the police if he didn't leave?

But I just sat there in silent unbelief.

After all of that, one would think I would absolutely never pay the NHK man, right? But in fact I am not very good at saying no to people who ask me for money. Especially if they can make even the slightest case for why. You see, I have watched NHK now and then, and I appreciate the fact that they have the Japanese news in English sometimes. So maybe I should support them. It is not the company's fault that one of their collectors is a peeping Tomoki. (I don't think it is, anyway.) So ONCE, when the NHK man came, and I was feeling rich and generous and kind and patient, I paid him. I couldn't just ignore the doorbell because I was cooking dinner for a Japanese friend. And I had never discussed with her her position on the NHK man question, so I thought it best just to pay rather than argue with him right in front of her. Also I thought that if I paid him, he might not come back for a while.

Boy was I wrong. It seems that now I am a marked man. I have shown myself to be enough of a sucker to actually pay the NHK man, even if it was just once. Now they have that information in their computer and, what's worse, there is this titanium sticker on my door that WILL NOT come off. Did I say he could put that sticker on my door? I think if I were Japanese it might be fun to sue NHK. But in lieu of that, I will just complain. But one of these days the NHK man is going to come, and I am going to be in the mood for confrontation. I am going to tell him off for being a pesky peeping Tomoki (or for being a colleague of one). I am going to tell him I never asked for that fricking sticker on my door. And I am going to tell him not to come back again unless it is to carefully remove that sticker or to give me back the money that I paid. Then I am going to ask him if he likes his job. Then I am going to ask him if he likes having solicitors come to his door. Then I am going to ask him his address.

OK, maybe not. But what if I did?